Pointless

Isn't it odd when you know that something is completely pointless, where no matter what you due afterward the outcome will always be the same. You still find yourself trying to giveyourself some hope by telling yourself that it won't happen.

I've just been mulling over this fact that I will, not maybe, or might, but will be kicked out of here in less than a month's time. Trying to put some form of perspective on this, and yet no matter how one looks at it, it just doesn't make any logical sense. For when I'm able to get up and do what I'm theoretically supposed to be doing, I do it quite well, stars, and smiley faces, and all that crap. Yet when life decideds to rear it's ugly head again, which is more often than not; I find myself consumed with other people's problems that start to become my problem because I just can't turn a blind eye to them, and I can't help it if I feel like I should due something about it. Three days of mulling this stuff over have finally resulted in one final realization as to the severity of this problem:

I'm going to be kicked out of here and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Granted I'm still pissed about the whole thing, and I think I have a damn good right to be. I mean, a boss fired me because I did everything that he told me to do; who in thier right mind is going to say that this is okay to do? Yet for some odd reason, despite the fact that I'm pissed, there is an odd feeling of placidity about this whole thing. For as it's been said before, I know better.

I know where all the little mistakes were made, both mine and everyone elses. I don't think, but I know that I could have done a lot better without all those little mistakes that keep on popping up. Yet whoever is in charge around here only has a point, that's right a point, not unlike the full stop found at the end of this sentance. In order to determine my usefullness in being down here, and if that little dot doesn't match up with the standards of all the other little dots; than by all means get thee the hell out of yonder place. That's all that I'm going to be judged upon, is wether or not my little dot is going to match up with the standards set for all the other little dots that live here.

You know, forget the fact that all those other little dots haven't had to go what I've been going threw because that's just completely pointless and has postivley no bearing on how well I can preform or all you know.

Yet in the end, all of this is just so pointless and trivial. What my little dot isn't measuring up to the standard set for all the little dots in the world? Big whoop. In the end all I have to do is go someplace else and try again if I really feel like, or I could just make the big leap and forget all this shit altogether and take a shot into the dark.

What I do here is going to influence the rest of my life, it's going to shake the very foundation of what I know and light the pathway of everything I'm going to be doing in the future?

...Ha! It is to laugh.